Saturday, September 29, 2012

hole in my heart

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Phillippians 4:6-13

Do you ever hear a biblical message you've heard a million times, but then one day it seems like the first time you've ever heard it? It just makes sense like never before? That has happened to me a lot in the past year, but especially a couple of weeks ago. Jamie and I were having a long late night talk with our friends Jason and Sam and all of a sudden things in my life seemed to make a lot more sense.

And I want you to know I'm not trying to preach at you or change your mind about anything in your life- I'm just sharing my thoughts about my own life. I have no hidden agenda here, I'm just rambling.

Ok so Satan always has been doing World War in my mind the past couple of months and trying to convince me that "if only **** was different, if only **** was better, if only **** would change about my life".... THEN I would be happy and everything would be better. 

And I know this is how Satan works and does this to everyone all the time- try to convince them that they are missing something in life and they will only be content if they had that thing. This is not a revelation to me.

The thing that surprised me is that I didn't realize that I have had a huge hole in my heart for many many years and I've been trying to fill it up with stuff other than God. And for many many years it's been working just fine. I've filled that hole in my heart with my wonderful marriage, with my great job, my friends and family, and my adorable daughters, etc... 

And I've been managing for all these years to keep that hole in my heart from being empty because I had it stuffed full of all those comforts. But in the past year, some of those things that I have depended on have been taken away from me. And I'm not being dramatic "oh poor me" and I don't want to air all my personal dirty laundry here, but I've been dealing with some tough stuff. 

But the other night it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Have I ever really tried to ONLY lean on God?

Since I was saved as child at bible camp, I've always had a personal relationship with Christ and had Faith in my salvation. And at different points in my life I've had to lean on God more than other times. And when we moved to NYC last year I really clung to God like NEVER before in my life. And when I started teaching here last Fall I spent more time on my knees and in tears praying to God. 

But still I had other things in my life that I was filling that hole in my heart with. Other things that I was trusting in. I wasn't completely relying on God.

So then when those things started to slip out from under me, I realized that I didn't want God to have to turn me into Job (guy in the bible who literally gets EVERYTHING taken away from him) just to send the message to me. 

I've realized that the message I've heard my whole life is actually true- unless you fill that hole in your heart with only God, then you're always going to be disappointed and hurting and searching and never content. And not that completely trusting in God is going to bring only sunshine and roses in my life, but it has to be a better answer than what I've been trying so far.

There is a Carrie Underwood song called "So Small" that has really touched my heart:

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside

a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that's so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back